Other times i feel as though i will always be in a pit. As i type this i realize it is because i am not putting all hope, trust, mind, heart, and soul into my relationship with Him. i was able to go to a wonderful conference last weekend and there was a room in the hotel and station we were able to use. There in the coroner of a dimly lit room was a small model of the cross.
On this cross there were many names of all the people in a certain youth group who have signed it because they realize the importance and the significance of the cross that Jesus took His life for us on. There was a barrier made of little blocks wrapped in brown paper surrounding this cross. On these boxes we were able to write what was keeping us from seeing Jesus face to face and leave it at His cross.
Surrender ourselves. It has been so hard for me to do this because i tend to hold myself back from God. i don't give Him all i am. And it is such a sad thing. i sort-of avoided this activity until the end of our stay at the hotel. (that is a regret) i ask God over and over again to take all i am. i say i give Him my all. But i guess i tend to keep myself tied down to this horrible, sinful world.
This situation reminds me of this story;
Ananias and Sapphira5 Now a man named Ananias, together with his wife Sapphira, also sold a piece of property. 2 With his wife’s full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself, but brought the rest and put it at the apostles’ feet.
3 Then Peter said, “Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heartthat you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? 4 Didn’t it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn’t the money at your disposal?What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied just to human beings but to God.”
5 When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died. And great fear seized all who heard what had happened. 6 Then some young men came forward, wrapped up his body, and carried him out and buried him.7 About three hours later his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. 8 Peter asked her, “Tell me, is this the price you and Ananias got for the land?”“Yes,” she said, “that is the price.”9 Peter said to her, “How could you conspire to test the Spirit of the Lord? Listen! The feet of the men who buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out also.”10 At that moment she fell down at his feet and died. Then the young men came in and, finding her dead, carried her out and buried her beside her husband. 11 Great fear seized the whole church and all who heard about these events.
3 Then Peter said, “Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heartthat you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? 4 Didn’t it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn’t the money at your disposal?What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied just to human beings but to God.”
5 When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died. And great fear seized all who heard what had happened. 6 Then some young men came forward, wrapped up his body, and carried him out and buried him.7 About three hours later his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. 8 Peter asked her, “Tell me, is this the price you and Ananias got for the land?”“Yes,” she said, “that is the price.”9 Peter said to her, “How could you conspire to test the Spirit of the Lord? Listen! The feet of the men who buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out also.”10 At that moment she fell down at his feet and died. Then the young men came in and, finding her dead, carried her out and buried her beside her husband. 11 Great fear seized the whole church and all who heard about these events.
Now i may not be struck dead by God, but i think you understand the similarities between our relationship with God and how Ananias and Sapphira kept their possessions back and lied. they kind of represent our human hearts.
Doubt is a normal human thing. That is why we have faith, free will, and grace given to us. What a beautiful thing this is! i will never stop working on giving God absolutely everything. Honestly i wish i could just rid myself of everything that i don't need and become a missionary right now. That would be so cool. It's just i have so much learning to do.
God gives us so much time. He gives us resources and people. i need to be more thankful for what He has given me.
God gives and takes away. and through it all i will turn around and thank Him. it may be hard to see the blessing He is giving us at the time that is helping to shape us, but someday the time will come where we will start to understand. God gave me a really amazing friend one time. this person decided they no longer desired to be my friend a month ago. i was devastated. and extremely angry. i still am.
As i was praying the other night God showed me something; i had let my happiness depend on this person. i had not been trusting or relying on God. (That was a stupid thing to do) i am able to talk to someone about the sadness and brokenness that has come with this. and it has helped some. she said that keeping anger and festering on the anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. i have been sitting on this anger for too long and it is time for me to let go. the other person has moved on and i haven't. i will. i know i will. it's unfair to myself to let the other person live their life and not be able to move on. so i will. i'm working on it.
at the conference i went to a class where a wise man taught us that it was okay to feel. it is okay to be angry. no person's sadness is less than someone else's. pain and sadness meets us where we are. the body of Christ comes together in moments of joy and moments of sadness. it is okay to be sad. we still need to look to the joy of the Lord. Even when it's hard sometimes i'll praise Him. He gave me this friend and He took them away. soon i will learn to be thankful for this experience. later i will learn how this blessed me. i want to learn. and i will.
what i have typed has shown that i am a broken person looking for my perfect Creator. i will be healed. i will be renewed. i serve the God who forgives, who blesses, who takes away. Though while we are on this earth we will never truly understand Him, some day we will. and that day and every day between now and the time to come i will surrender and lift my hands and heart to Him again and again.
HE REDEEMS
HE RESTORES
HE is POWERFUL
HE is MIGHTY
HE is EVERYTHING i am not.
we will be made new.
how beautiful is that?
xoxo- the child of the ONE TRUE KING
